Cruel and Sadistic Ways to Get Rid of Voldemort
by MalfunctioningStaircases
Summary: Various imaginative methods by which Voldemort could have been dealt with, including satellites and puppies!
1. Chapter 1

1. Push him into a volcano

2. Chop off his legs with a lightsaber near the edge of a lava lake, which will light him on fire

3. Get someone to pull his pants down. He should die from embarassment. Or at least hide somewhere and never come out.

4. Drop a satellite on him (or many. As many as it takes to take him down!)

5. Lure him to the lake at Hogwarts and get the Giant Squid to eat him. Or hold him down until he drown. Either one works, and the Squid would probably prefer not to eat him.

6. Send him back in time. When he appears in the past, he will land on his grandfather, killing him. So he never gets born, so he never goes back in time to kill his grandfather, so he IS born, so he does get born and kill his grandfather, so.... Voldemort is stuck in a paradox that nothing can save him from!!!

7. Get Harry to go back in time and seduce Merope. He becomes Voldemort's father and Voldemort grows up in a nurturing and caring environment.

8. Shoot him 348 times. 347 might not be enough, and 349 is going just too far.

9. Dump him on a deserted island that is magic-proof (preferably one inhabited by polar bears and strange monsters made of black smoke)

10. Chop off his arms and legs, get rid of his eyes, ears, nose and mouth. He can't do anything now! Well, except breath. Which is kind of boring.

11. Give him a lobotomy. How can he be a Dark Lord with part of his brain missing? Remember to preserve the section of brain that is removed (you can sell it on Ebay for millions!)

12. Smother him with Care Bears. Their cuddliness will leave him confused and disoriented. He may even giggle. Make sure to have some kind of recording device on hand.

13. Grab him and Apparate with him, being careful to Splinch him right down the centre. Then make him a tourist attraction!

14. Fly a 747 or another jumbo jet into him when he's flying

15. Teach him calculus. That should bore him to death. If that fails, move on to matrices

16. Stuff him into a nuclear reactor.

17. Hire the mafia to "take care of him". This will either result in him being killed or receiving a nice house in the suburbs and a cushy job.

18. Introduce him to George W. Bush. Several things could happen: Bush could think he was a terrorist and arrest him, Voldemort could explode from not being able to comprehend President Bush, or the two could become the best of friends and Voldemort wouldn't be evil anymore (because friendship with George W. Bush automatically renders human beings incapable of any thought and therefore incapable of evil)

19. Force him to watch a marathon of every soap opera ever made. By the end of it, he'll either be dead or a blonde woman with a craving for chocolate.

20. Force him to watch a marathon of every Disney movie ever made. By the end of it, he'll either be dead or a five year old girl with pigtails who enjoys tea parties.

21. Force him to watch a marathon of every Star Trek episode (and the movies). By the end of it, he'll either be dead, or a skinny white guy with pimples and huge glasses

22. Give him a flower. Results may vary.

23. Give him a hug. Again, results may rang from an explosion, to Voldemort sobbing and talking about how his father never loved him.

24. Give him a kiss. This might be a little hard though; no human being is known that would be capable of this.

25. Stick him into the Matrix. Unless he meets Morpheus, he's gone forever. If he meets Morpheus, he'll die when Zion is attacked.

26. Get Buffy to stake him. She probably won't notice that he isn't an actually vampire. If she does, get Faith or another vampire slayer.

27. Get Luke Skywalker to kill him with his lightsaber.

28. Get Neo to kill him.

29. Get Keanu Reeves to kill him with bad acting.

30. Make Voldie into a vampire an stick him outside in a desert.

31. Make Voldie into a werewolf and shoot him with silver bullets

32. Make Voldie into a PlantSim and don't water him.

33. Give him to aliens as a sacrifice

34. Give him to aliens as an example of our species. Then he can enjoy all the experiments! (especially those probes they're so fond of...)

35. Throw him into the outer atmosphere. He'll probably burn up, but it would be interesting to watch what happens if he didn't!

36. Throw him into orbit around the Earth. Watch him go round and round

37. Make him watch a marathon of every game show ever made. By the end of it, he'll be dead. There is no other way that could turn out.

38. Cover him in barbecue sauce and leave him in a room with Hannibal Lecter or another strange cannibal

39. Cover him in barbecue sauce and leave him in a dragon's nest

40. Cover him in barbecue sauce and leave him in a room full of rabid skunks

41. Cover him in barbecue sauce and leave him in a room full of people who love fast food, but have been starved for 5 days (adding a hot dog costume is optional, but makes it much more funny)

42. Cover him in barbecue sauce and leave him in a room full of starved vampires.

43. Cover him in barbecue sauce and leave him in a room with Chewbacca. See who wins. Take bets, if you wish.

44. Send him back in time to the Jurassic Period. He will conveniently land in the middle of a T-rex nest.

45. Give him a controller for a bomb that is implanted in his brain (somehow). The controller consists of a large, friendly red button with the words "DO NOT PUSH" written on it. Can he resist? I think not.

46. Tell Chuck Norris that Voldemort insulted his roundhouse kicks.

47. Get the world champion of "Yo Momma" jokes to challenge him to a fight to the death

48. Make him listen to any Ipod owned by a teenager. His eardrums will explode and this will start a chain reaction of explosions in his head.

49. Take him to a street with women's fashion stores along it. He will run in terror, screaming like a little girl. He probably will never stop running.

50. Ask him what would happen if he went back in time an killed his grandfather. His mind will go round and round in circles and he'll be stuck thinking it over forever.


	2. Chapter 2

51. Stick him on the Death Star when Luke Skywalker is nearby. Mr Skywalker will, of course, blow up the Death Star, and Voldie will go with it.

52. Stick him in a washing machine for 6 hours. When he comes out, he'll either be so nauseous that he'll regurgitate all his internal organs, or he'll have shrunk to be the size of a Barbie doll. Or a mixture of both, which could be interesting to see.

53. Tell Edward Cullen that Voldemort insulted his hair. Make sure you have a stopwatch to see how quickly Voldie gets killed and a video camera

54. Tell Bella that Voldemort insulted Edward's hair. Compare the two deaths and see who did it better, and quicker.

55. Put him in a box with 60 rabid chipmunks. Why chipmunks? Because they're just so cute. See whether Voldemort dies from the biting or the cuteness.

56. Take him on holiday to Hawaii. All homocidal urges should disappear when he learns of the magical dance called the Hula. He can then live out the rest of his life peacefully, teaching others the wonder of the hula.

57. Introduce him to the Grim Reaper. He and Voldemort will end up good friends and the Grim Reaper will introduce Voldemort to the wonders of tenpin bowling. This will result in a newfound passion for bowling for Voldemort, which will overtake his passion for killing people. He will then go on to become the world champion of bowling, until he is convicted of substance abuse.

58. Introduce him to Hugh Hefner, just to see what happens. They might become the best of friends, or Voldemort might be so confused by his lifestyle that his head explodes.

59. Introduce him to a girl. I don't think he's ever realised there are two genders in our species, so the results should be interesting.

60. Get him some fangirls. That should embarrass him sufficiently to make him go into hiding. But finding a woman to become a fangirl of Voldemort might take so long that he will have taken over the world by the time you find a one.

61. Take him to a "Tropical Island Retreat" to the island where Lord of the Flies is set. See how long he lasts before he starts talking to pig's heads. Chances are the British navy won't be rescuing him.

62. Take him to a computer conference with the 100 most nerdy computer geeks in existence. Guaranteed to result in insanity. Or Voldemort learning javascript, which could be very interesting

63. Make him read Snape/Voldemort slash fics. Gauge his reaction to see if he has ever thought about it in reality.

64. Make him read Harry/Voldemort slash fics. Gauge this reaction and compare it to the previous one.

65. Make him read Snape/Harry/Voldemort slash fics. Again, compare the reactions. See which one he finds least horrifying and then spread rumours about that pairing

66. Make him read Voldemort/Hagrid slash. This one is bound to make him faint after reading two sentences, at minimum.

67. Teach him to play cricket. He'll either become so confused that his head explodes or he'll find a new hobby and instead of killing Muggles, will force them to play with him.

68. Send him thousands of packages, all with the same Jack-in-the-box inside, one at a time. See how many it takes before he starts mumbling insanely and his eyes start twitching.

69. Get him a computer. He should be so fascinated by the technology that he forgets about the whole murderous rampage thing! See how long it takes him to figure out Minesweeper.

70. Teach him to do sudokus. If that doesn't work, try crosswords. They should keep him busy forever!

71. Throw him into the path of an oncoming bus, preferably filled with explosives. That should be enough to get rid of him.

72. Throw him into the path of an oncoming train, again filled with explosives.

73. Throw him into the path of an oncoming tank, then a train, then a bus. If the earlier ones failed, that is,

74. Introduce him to Wikipedia. The random article button is surprisingly addictive, and he should be stuck there forever, learning about the most random things

75. Missile launcher. Voldemort's head. You do the math.

76. Invent an elephant launcher. See number 75. Compare results to see which was more effective. A substitute elephant made out of lead may be put in place of an actual elephant if need be.

77. Give him a hideous and lethal disease that only Muggle medicine can cure. Chances are, he won't accept any Muggle treatment and will die. If he does get medical assistance, that should resolve his issues with Muggles. Either way, problem solved!

78. Cover him in layers upon layers of make-up that cannot be removed. He'll hide his face in shame and never be seen again, or he'll find it so comfortable that he lives the rest of his life happily, proud of who he is and with no desire to kill people.

79. Superglue a hideous wig to his head. Again with the hiding himself away forever or resolved issues with killing people. How the wig would resolve those issues, I don't know. But it would.

80. Pierce his ears. Then his nose. Then his lips. Then his eyebrows. Then as many other places as you want! See if you can get him into the Guiness Book of World Records (before he again runs off to hide for the rest of his life)

81. Wrap him up in bubble wrap, then in wrapping paper. Add a bow, if you like. Then put him in a shopping trolley and push him down Mt Everest. Post a video of it on Youtube for bonus fun. Evil, yes. But so is he.

82. Sign him up for American Idol and get the entire population of America to show up and watch. More evil. But Voldemort is very evil. And I'm sure there are many curious people who wish to see how Voldemort wuld react to Simon Cowell

83. Sign him up for every single reality TV show known to man. He should go crazy very quickly.

84. Take him to celebrity rehab. See if he becomes friends with Lindsay Lohan

85. Give him to a psychologist as a birthday present. If that one doesn't survive, keep throwing new ones at him until he cracks, probably crying about abandonment issues.

86. Become more evil than him. He'll sulk for the rest of eternity, while you get to have the fun of enslaving people.

87. Ask him why 1+1=2. Keep asking "Why?" until he cracks. Philosophy was never his strong suit, so it shouldn't take long.

88. Ask him what happens after you die. Since he seems to fear death, this should freak him out so much that he goes and hides in a corner in the foetal position for a long time.

89. Introduce him to Christianity. Then Buddhism. Then Hinduism. Then Islam. Then all other religions in existence. Make sure you tell him that they are all true. See how he handles it.

90. Buy him a puppy. Or 10. Fluffy ones are extra good, to add to the unbearable cuteness that will cause his downfall.

91. Anthrax. Quick and effective. It that's too boring, imaginative ways of making him ingest the anthrax should make it more interesting

92. Lead poisoning. Again, creative methods may be used.

93. Mercury poisoning. One fun way of administering this is to throw thousands of thermometers at him.

94. Drop him into a tank full of leeches. Since this may take a while, you may want to use this method along with another one.

95. Shove him into a tar pit and watch him sink.

96. Shove him into quicksand and watch him sink.

97. Shove him into a mosh pit and watch him sink.

98. Take him to a wedding dress shop filled with happy yet stressed brides-to-be. He shouldn't last an hour.

99. Put him in a room full of heavily pregnant women. The most interesting outcome sees Voldemort becoming a midwife.

100. Put him in a room of new mothers and their babies. Preferably with extra baby talk, to cause Voldemort to go crazy.


End file.
